The Network

Cleaning Foreclosed Homes For Banks

2010-03-28T11:57:00.001-07:00

Cleaning Foreclosed Homes For Banks

I've put together this article to hopefully help others to choose the right product to suit their needs and finances.

I hope you will find my review informative and I would welcome any feedback or perhaps your own personal results that I can add to this report.

There is an burst of foreclosures crashing down upon the this nation as we speak. There's an abundance of work available.

Discover ways to Get Paid By Starting A Foreclosure Cleaning Business For Mortgage Co.'s And Banks.

Visit Cleaning Foreclosed Homes For Banks

Resume Format

2010-03-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

The primary focus is on getting employers to say to themselves, "Hmmm... you know what, I want to see this person. I'm going to book an interview right now before another employer does." One brilliantly-worded resume can change your life overnight. The trick is that it's not genuinely a resume, its a resume dotted with some of the best "magic sales letter dust."

This amazing software is hyper-focused on getting you interviewed and working, that's ALL it's supposed to do.

1. Point And Click your mouse to select the TYPE of resume you want to create.
2. Click The "Tailor" Button to begin creating your resume from the template on your computer screen.
3. The Amazing Resume Creator automatically ports with Microsoft Word making it easy to customize an amazing resume just for you.

Make a PERSONAL and resume, not a "canned" doomed one!
No big books to read or big fees to pay a writing service. No headaches!
Creates resumes for any career situation... position... and job level.
Fun and simplistic for you to personalize and customize each amazing resume in just a a couple of minutes each.
INCLUDES numerous other types of career letters you'll want... plus, HOW to use them most effectively!

Show Notes:
More Info @ http://www.1tinyurl.com/resume

chocolate covered cherries

2009-11-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

Sudies have now certified that chocolate is good for you. It is bountiful in antioxidants and has many health benefits, including lowering blood sugar and cholesterol. Cocoa comes from the Theobromo cacao plant. Half of the cocoa bean is made of fat in the form of cocoa butter. Cocoa powder is the eatable non-fat part of the cacao bean. Most of the fats in cocoa are saturated, but it also include lots of the "good" fats: oleic and linoleic acids.

Cocoa has one of the higher concentration antioxidants of any foods, in the form of the flavonoids: catechin and epicatechin. ORAC scores are used to measure the level of antioxidant properties in foods. This oxygen radical absorbance capacity test rates cocoa higher than most foods, including green tea or red wine.

Studies have demonstrated that dark cocoa decreases blood pressure. This appositive may be attributed to cocoa's conduct as a renin-angiotension enzyme inhibitor, the same contrivance addressed by blood pressure medication. A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) in 2003 reported on a German study of 13 people between the ages of 5 and 64 who had blood pressure numbers of 153 over 84. The group was divided into two groups. One group ate a 100-gram bar of white cocoa daily and the other group ate a dark chocolate bar. Those who ate the dark chocolate showed curtail blood pressure, but alas for white chocolate lovers, this candy bar did not show any health benefits. The benefits were attributed to the cocoa phenols that are present in the dark cocoa powder from the cocoa bean. The darker the cocoa, the more health benefits.

The cocoa bean also include insoluble fiber, which helps lower cholesterol levels. The fiber in chocolate has also been demonstrated to reduce the rate of colorectal cancer, and to reduce constipation.

Dark chocolate incorporates magnesium, which helps soothe the nervous system, relax muscles, reduce PMS and build teeth and bones. Dark chocolate also include the mineral copper, which is needed in many metabolic behaviors in the body.

Chocolate may even arrest dementia. Cocoa's content of antioxidants aids in memory, along with the nutrients vitamin E and vitamin B.

By increasing nitric oxide intake, cocoa has been demonstrated to help induce insulin to uptake blood sugar, thereby stopping the insulin resistance that can lead to diabetes. And cocoa has even been demonstrated to repair liver cells after alcohol consumption.

As an antidepressant, cocoa really shines. The "love chemical" phenylethylamine helps to raise the serotonin and dopamine levels. This curbs appetite, induces the nervous system, and even raises libido.

Chocolate has now proven itself to be a nutritious food, as well as a intriguing desert. There are many suppliers now importing fair trade, organic or raw chocolate products. Look for chocolate that has a high cocoa content. Check http://chocolatebypost.net for this health-giving food, disguised as a delightful treat.

Chocolate Lovers

2009-11-04T15:42:00.000-08:00

I think there is a chocolate buff in all of us. It almost seems as if we are preprogrammed to know the good confection. Everyone experiences their own chocolate favorites. For some, their favorite flavor is meticulous sweet. Others desire a more dark and bitter taste. Some people crave white chocolate. It doesn’t matter what your chocolate taste are, you can ensure a chocolate that will make you frightfully happy. The smell of chocolate alone is sufficient to get many folks fired up. And we haven't even verbalized about how fabulously pleasing chocolate can be. If you are looking to give the present, then I can think of few easier than chocolate gifts. On Valentine’s Day, nothing says love quite like chocolate.

See All Chocolate At Chocolate By Post

Emergency Help - Payday Loans

2009-02-09T20:45:00.000-08:00

You can never really tell when something is about to happen. Urgent expenses just crop up suddenly and you have no time to borrow from other family members, relatives, or friends. However, this is not a very big problem especially if you're earning a salary every month. Payday loans are gaining more and more in popularity in recent years. With so many people who are in need of cash, loan providers and lenders have come up with an effective way to address such problem and that is through payday loans. But before you rush out there blindly and fill out the online application form, there are a few things that you need to know.

Payday loans should be able to give you emergency cash when needed and it should not be some kind of a debt trap. But if you don't follow the right manner in applying for the loan, you will surely fall into a trap. A lot of people are attracted to this type of loan because you can get the cash within twenty four hours after filing in your checking account.

Because of the instant cash availability, you can easily pay off urgent expenses. There are requirements that you should be able to meet before you can be granted a loan. You see, the payday loans are not open to all people. Only those with a stable job and earns more than a thousand dollars each month can avail the loan; and of course, you need to be of legal age and should have a personal checking account. Obviously, people with no jobs can't maintain a checking account, right? Payday loans carry high interest rates and usually it is 30%.

It gets even higher if you have a low credit score but it can definitely help in improving your credit standing. The lenders don't conduct credit checks and so any one can apply for as long as they qualify. The loan amount would depend on your salary but usually it ranges from $100 - $1500. Applicants won't need collaterals but the lender will ask for post-dated cheques. The amount on the cheque should include the interest payments and the basic loan amount. The loan should be paid within twenty days and the lender will just deposit the issued cheque to the bank to get the repayment.

Payday loans should be obtained in case of emergency only. Don't apply for the loan unless you really need it. Keep in mind that these loans carry high interests. If you do obtain a loan, make sure that you pay it promptly on your next salary. Don't carry it over the next month. There are so many payday loan providers online and it would be wise to compare them.

Since there is a great demand for payday loans online, more and more lenders are entering the scene. This is a great advantage for the borrowers because they can avail of the lower interests. With so many payday loan providers or lenders online, interest rates are bound to decrease. Now that you know the important things about payday loans, you can just apply next time you have an urgent need for cash.

Remember the word 'urgent'; you have to learn to distinguish between the urgent expenses from the luxurious expenses. If you need cash to buy a new jewelry set, then it can wait. There are far more important expenses that you have to prepare yourself; besides, you never really know when something might come up.

The internet is full of wondrous things. Almost everything you need can be found online such as home based businesses, income earning opportunities, and now the payday loans. Thanks to the internet, it is now much easier to secure a payday loan without the typical hassles of obtaining traditional loans.

For those jobless individuals, it's now time to find a good paying job because that's the only way to obtain the loan. If you want to enjoy the comfort of always having the needed cash when you need it, have a job. Time is really hard and you have to do your share of work in order to live a decent life.

Would you want to get into massage therapy?

2009-01-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

Becoming a massage therapist is a big decision to make. Because the industry is already being regulated, a career in massage therapy is harder to get into. You need training and sometimes licensure in order to work in a particular clinic. This is especially true if you are aiming for those top of the line clinics that really pay well. One of the decisions that you have to make before getting into the field is what kind of massages will you be specializing in. Like the medical field, massage therapists have specializations.

There are various kinds of massages that are being done in clinics. Some are simple enough and only requires a specific set of strokes. Others are more technical and involve pressing certain pressure points in the body and using oils that are not usually used in the practice. Examples of these are acupressure and aromatherapy. Before you get into the massage therapy business, know first what you are comfortable doing. If you study one massage and then realize that you are not for it, you will be wasting money and time on your training. Before you plunge in, know first what you want.

Below are some of the things that can help you clarify what you really want to do.

1. Western against Eastern

Although there are a lot of different kinds of massages, they are divided into just two big groups– Eastern and Western. Ask yourself, are you more comfortable doing the more traditional medical model that is often the characteristic of western massages or are you more for the eastern types that makes use of essential oils and pressure points?

2. Medical against Relaxation

The various kinds of Massage therapies may also be divided into either massages for relaxation or massage therapy for medical purposes. If you feel that you only want something simple as providing relaxation, then training is easier for this group. All you need to learn are specific strokes that will help your client relax their muscles. However, if you feel that you want to make a career out of it that is similar to a medical doctor, then you are better off training in the medical area of massages. Here you will study subjects such as anatomy, physiology, physical therapy and a lot of other science subjects.

3. Spas against nursing homes

The clients that you will be servicing will also help you determine the kind of massage therapy specialty you would like to take. For instance, it you foresee yourself working at a spa or a resort, your clients will primarily be those who just want a bit of relaxation. On the other hand, if you like to work in a nursing home or in a hospital setting, then you may want to get into something that is more medical in nature. Although relaxation may be easier to do, the pay for the other is much more competitive so you may also want to consider that when making your decision.

4. how hard can you do the massage

Another consideration in choosing your specialty is whether you can take on the massaging itself. Remember that massages for relaxation is softer and more relaxed compared to those being done for people who have problems with their muscles and their bones. Also, when dealing with medical clients, you also need to be more precise with your massages.

Get Information About Massage Therapy

Cutting Board

2008-11-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

With the right bamboo cutting board and the sharp knife you will be able to complete your cooking process sooner and can use the time you've saved doing what you really wish: spending time with family, checking up on a neighbor or delving into a thrilling book.

How To Catch A Cheating Spouse

2008-07-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

Find Out How to Catch a Cheating Husband or Catch a Cheating Wife and Put an End to the Lies!
You're about to learn the most guarded secrets that private investigators use to catch cheating husbands or cheating wives. Whether your partner has just started having an affair, been having an affair for a while, or just ended an affair, it doesn't matter. I'll show you how to get the solid evidence you need that will leave no room for excuses or alibis.

See The video on YouTube How To Catch A Cheating Spouse

Marketing Myths

2007-10-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

Your online marketing battle will include a number of different methods in different areas of the Internet. You may have a web site, use an auto responder, post classified ads, post articles, place banner advertisements, sponsor lists and newsletters, distribute press releases, and much more. Keep in mind, though, that when you are first starting out, it is critical that you focus on one aspect of your marketing campaign at a time and promote it to its fullest extent before moving on to the next.

Read more of Marketing Myths

Keyboard & Mouse combo

2007-06-27T17:06:00.001-07:00

Microsoft BX200004 Wireless Ergonomics Optical Desktop Keyboard & Mouse combo
$45.95 - $10 (Coupon Code) = $35.95 Shipped
Coupon Code# D10MSKBMOU
Valid till July 5, 2007
See the Optical Desktop Keyboard & Mouse combo HERE

USB 2.0 LED Reading White Light for Notebook Laptop

2007-05-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

Modern, stylish, and versatile, this flexible USB LED light is perfect for use as reading light or as a traveling kit. It is small, flexible and extremely light weight. Using LED bulbs as light source, it is very energy efficient and the bulbs never need replacement makes it very economical compares to other types of lighting.

Feature:

High tech design in platinum color
1 LED light Plug directly into any available USB port on the notebook or pc Small and light weight Does not require battery or external power source
Flexible neck stays where you put it White LEDs and soft light illumination

Package content: Flexible neck USB one LED light Flexible USB 2.0 LED Reading White Light for Notebook Laptop $24.59 -$20.00 (MIR) = $4.59 Shipped!

Valid till May 27, 2007

Answers About:
White Light for Notebook Laptop

8 Lawn Care Tips for Your Garden

2006-08-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

Dealing With Rose Bushes

Roses are classified according to the way they grow. One of the predominant ways is in bushes. Rose .....

I'll show you 8 simple steps how you can follow extremely simple steps and procedures to maintain a spectacular landscape beauty. Here goes.

Get to know your grass.

Grass grows at their optimum growth rate at the first 6 weeks of spring. Don't abandon them without proper water, fertilization and mowing. Talking about fertilization, most of us should know that the best time to apply it is not during spring but the during the last fall. It is recommended that the best month to fertilize your lawn is in late May. The main reason why fertilizing during spring is not such a good idea due to the fact that the occurrence of top growth stimulated by the fertilization combined with the rain will create thin skinned grass which will be highly vulnerable to disease.

Rock Gardens ' A Different Kind Of Garden
Planting a Rock Garden is a great alternative to the normal flower and vegetable garden.

Where Should .....

Know your mowing timetable.

Before you cut your grass for the first time in the spring, try changing the height of cut on your mower blade so that the grass is cut at 3", giving your grass a nice cut from a present 4 inch tall. You don't want to overcut your grass as the major food source lies in the tip and removing it simply means more food will be used to grow new tips and less food for the root.

Get a proper watering schedule.

It's pretty normal to see gardeners ......

Read more here ...... 8 Lawn Care Tips for Your Garden

Asthma Friendly Gardens
Asthma Friendly Gardens

Tom Ogren
Recent studies have shown that babies born to .....

Cell Phone Shop

2006-05-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

Just add the cell phone shop to our growing list of sites in the CNS network.
If you need information about cell phone plans and phone take a look here.

Cell Phone Shop

Some Upates

2006-05-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've been working on the CNS Network websites. Here are a few that have been updated.

Tradeshows and Fairs
Concrete
Las Vegas Entertainment
Mini Blinds Window Treatments
Text Messaging
And everones favorite
Premature Ejaculation
NHRA RACING
Acne-Medication-Acne

There you go, as current as I know!
Gene

Racing NHRA Teams

2006-05-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Do you know how many teams receive free camshafts every year? How about carburetors, oil, gaskets or tires? There are racers receiving (for free) everything from tow rigs, to trailers, to everything on their race car.
Want to know how they do it? Our update NHRA wwebsite has the answers.

NHRA RACING

If you suffer from acne

2006-05-04T15:07:00.000-07:00

If you suffer from acne your choices or paths of action to alleviate the problem have usually been limited to just two:

1. Over the counter remedies such as cleansers, creams, ointments, etc. This course of action has been proven over and over again not to work. Why? It does not address the root cause of the problem.

2. Go see a doctor and or dermatologist. They will generally prescribe prescription drugs which include topicals and or antibiotics. This, too, has been proven over and over again not to work. Why? It does not address the root cause of the problem.

acne-medication-acne

Site Update

2006-04-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

The Daily Digest has got a fresh new face. We have compleated a re-make of the site. Visit now and see the new layout.
Visit The Daily Digest

Credit Card Review

2006-04-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

Read our in-depth reviews of popular credit cards. Find one that fits you and apply securely online for free. Eveything from American Express, Delta SkyPoints, Visa, and Master Card. Check it out!

Credit Card Review

2006-04-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

Check for updates of "The Daily Digest"
Get them here
Mean Gene

Tiki #5 most popular application in PHP and #50 overall, according to Freshmeat

2006-04-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

During the last few days, Tiki CMS/Groupware joined Freshmeat's top-50 most popular projects.

Freshmeat's Top 50 projects by popularity

Freshmeat's Top PHP projects

Congratulations to all the Tiki community!
more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/9/2006 8:59:17 AMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=122

PHP 4.4.1 released

2006-04-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

For security reason, you must upgrade to php 4.4.1 at least if your register_globals is turned on.
See http://www.hardened-php.net/advisory_202005.79.html
more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/9/2006 12:45:14 AMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=121

TikiWiki 1.9.2 released

2006-04-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

After the longest day of the year (daylight-saving time), the TikiWiki community released version 1.9.2 right in time for halloween.
This compatibility release for PHP5 and MySQL 4.1 includes lots of valuable bug-fixes.
more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/8/2006 7:09:12 PMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=120

TikiWiki 1.9.1.1 released

2006-04-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

A new release of TikiWiki is now available on SourceForge.net: version 1.9.1.1 for the 1.9 -Sirius- branch.

This maintenance release includes fixes for a recently identified security flaw.

more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/8/2006 8:25:26 AMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=118

Tiki 1.9.1 and 1.8.6 released!

2006-04-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

After long hours of intensive fixing/testing/fixing, two new versions of TikiWiki are now available on Sourceforge: version 1.8.6 for the 1.8 -Polaris- branch, and 1.9.1 for the 1.9 -Sirius- branch.

These 2 releases include fixes for recent major security flaws (some disclosed, some not yet). The 2 recent XMLRPC flaws have been corrected. (http://phpxmlrpc.sourceforge.net/)

So, consider upgrading as a REALLY IMPORTANT initiative if you don't want any security surprise (even if some flaws only concern some optional features).
more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/7/2006 10:53:21 PMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=117

Recap on Installation Requirements

2006-04-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

With many users posting in the forums and coming into our IRC channel requesting help as their TikiWiki site after a recent upgrade to 1.9 has started to generate blank or half drawn pages, I feel its needed to highlight the PHP memory_limit requirement again. Read more for the various links relating to this problem and solutions.
more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/7/2006 8:28:53 AMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=115

Centering a TikiWiki site

2006-04-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

In a perfect world we would write one HTML document (template) and have one style sheet (CSS) that would render our glorious web pages in all types of web browsers but alias this is not the case.

Not pitching blame at anyone in particular but if you attempt to center your TikiWiki website using CSS you will probably find that Gecko-based browsers (e.g. Firefox) will easily obey your CSS while Internet Explorer will not.

Now you can center your web page quite easily for Gecko-based browsers by including the following CSS properties and values to the body section of your HTML document to give you a 10% left and right margin

Body{
margin: auto;
width: 80%;
}

However when you view this in dumb Internet Explorer the page will NOT be centered. You may attempt the following as suggested by some authors which works sometimes

Body{
text-align: center;
margin: auto;
width: 80%;
}

After mucking with these CSS properties for a while and getting spurious results you may decide that it’s just not worth it. But never fear there is a hack we can apply here.

There is an important CSS rule of precedence to understand here before we proceed. Without getting into all the intricate details of CSS cascading, and inheritance we can apply a general rule of thumb.

“The close a CSS property is to an HTML object the higher its precedence”

The following example illustrates this:

&lt;div align=&quot;right&quot;&gt;
&lt;p align=&quot;left&quot;&gt;
This text will align to the left
&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/div&gt;

Now for the trick which breaks all the style rules– in the tiki.tpl doc add the following div tags to contain all the script on the page and inexplicably all will be centered for all browsers

&lt;div style=&quot;text-align: center;&quot;&gt;
&lt;div style= &quot;text-align: left; margin: auto; width: 80%;&quot;&gt;

&lt;&lt;existing template page script..
{include file=&quot;header.tpl&quot;}
{* Index we display a wiki page here *}
…
{include file=&quot;footer.tpl&quot;}&gt;&gt;

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;/div&gt;

Now this trick will raise some valid questions like why do we have to reset the left alignment at this level?

Good night and good luck

more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/6/2006 9:15:52 PMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=22&postId=272

Feature deactivated : user_assigned_modules

2006-04-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

I want everyone to see the same modules. It may help with performance also...
more...

Build a Tiki Bar
Originally Posted on 4/6/2006 12:57:50 PMContent source: http://tikiwiki.org/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=2&postId=271

Publications, Manuscripts and Projects by David Mattison

2006-03-30T20:24:00.000-08:00

A complete bibliography of all my publications, with an unpublished manuscript or two thrown in for good measure. Book reviews, of which there are probably over 200 since 1976, are not included.
more...

Build a Tiki Bar in Your Back Yard
Originally Posted on 3/30/2006 10:24:42 PMContent source: http://www.davidmattison.ca/tiki/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=4

George Robinson Fardon at the 1862 London International Exhibition

2006-03-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

Who are these people photographed by George Robinson Fardon in either San Francisco, California, USA, or Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, and displayed at the 1862 London International Exhibition? This article was converted from a Web site formerly on Microsoft MSN.
more...

Build a Tiki Bar in Your Back Yard
Originally Posted on 3/30/2006 5:52:41 PMContent source: http://www.davidmattison.ca/tiki/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=1

Searcher Magazine Articles

2006-03-30T14:51:00.000-08:00

A bibliography of my articles for &lt;i&gt;Searcher: The Magazine for Database Professionals&lt;/i&gt; edited by Barbara Quint (bq) and published by Information Today.
more...

Build a Tiki Bar in Your Back Yard
Originally Posted on 3/30/2006 4:51:40 PMContent source: http://www.davidmattison.ca/tiki/tiki-read_article.php?articleId=2

Tiki Bar

2006-03-26T07:57:00.000-08:00

We recommend you take a look at this new site http://build-a-tiki-bar.com.
Lots of great information about Tiki's
Tiki

Today's new 3-7-06

2006-03-07T08:11:00.000-08:00

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.......

Working on a Bowel Move

Turn your speakers on for this one.

Checking in on you.

Top 10 Mistakes When Buying Seafood

The best way to break down the mistakes that are done when buying seafood is to look at each type of seafood and the characteristics it should have when you purchase it. You should buy high quality

Today's Index

FOR SALE; Tazer gun

2006-01-30T14:02:00.000-08:00

FOR SALE; Tazer gun; pocket/purse size; 100,000 volt with clip; used one time; cheap; free shipping!

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police Supply Shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld one for civilians.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinking directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did it.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee...

I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?

Seemed reasonable to me at the time! So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

They're round. Miss 'em...! Sure would like to get'em back.

I wonder what retirement day two will bring?

_________________

And, what did you learn today???

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Across the globe, the dead were not always allowed to rest in peace.

2006-01-26T07:05:00.000-08:00

A Frenchman in his sixties lived for five years with the body of his dead mother so he could keep receiving her monthly pension.

A Mexican motorcyclist with a helmet-wearing corpse strapped to his back crashed in the northern city of Tijuana when he lost control rounding a curve.

Police believe the killer, who fled the scene, had been trying to take the body somewhere deserted so he could dispose of it.

And in Australia, city officials faced the ultimate embarrassment -- they apologized to the family of an elderly man given a parking ticket while he lay dead in his car in a suburban shopping center.

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Meaner than a Junkyard... What?

2006-01-25T12:19:00.000-08:00

Police in Columbus, Ohio say they have broken up a prostitution ring that operated out of a junkyard. According to Sgt. Richard Curry, Russell Coleman, 42, and his girlfriend Brenda Brush, 51, took calls for girls at the junkyard Coleman owns. After the yard closed, the calls came into Coleman's home. "This is the first time we've found anything like this inside a junkyard," Curry said.." Most places will say it's a massage parlor or adult entertainment."
At least five prostitutes, some of whom waited at the junkyard until a customer called for them, were involved. They charged $150 per hour, $50 of which went to Coleman.
Police began investigating Coleman in January. They stepped up the investigation in June, when neighbors called to complain about the noise and traffic issuing from the junkyard.

Read the copleate story here

Undignified Deaths

2006-01-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

The family of a 55-year-old motorcyclist filed a lawsuit in December over the man's death, which allegedly occurred when he was hit on Highway 16 near Custer, S.D., by an airborne toilet. (The portable toilet had come off of a truck of Sander Sanitation Co.)
And a 47-year-old passenger in a pickup truck on the way to work near Childersburg, Ala., in January, was killed instantly by an airborne deer (struck by an oncoming car and knocked through the pickup's windshield).
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